February 20, 2011

"Everything is Illuminated" Reloaded

There is this Russian guy using the nickname Nikolai Krestinsky (this was the real Nikolai, a serious troskyst), who got very inspired in May 2005 and wrote two awesome book reviews on (American!) Amazon. I wonder if JonFen ever read them. Don't hesitate to check them up!

"When i first come to America, my english did cause me problems. In Soviet Russia i was strong teacher, my english i know is the best in all of Petropavlovsk. My brother, Mikhail, he say to me, "Nikolai you go to America, they make you rich like czar, take many woman as lover, kill many bear". My brother, he is very wise, is greatest toymaker in all of Russia. So next day i wake up, sell my house, say goodbye to wife and children, and go to America to become millionaire. Then in America, I go to job interview and they say to me "Nikolai, you are not for the job here, you are not the skills we need, your english is poor like child". I take that man and smash his table, i say "someday i will be greatest man in all of country, your children will wish me their father!". That day my anger is best of me. It is then i know i must learn better english, so i buy book "English Grammer it is for Dummies" by Mr.Woods. Now i am perfect english grammer! I write letter to Mikhail, he write back "Nikolai, your english is like a god, you will be millionaire soon! all of Petropavlovsk is proud for you! good luck brother! please send letter when you are president or maybe even czar! Hahaha! also, your wife is killed by bear". So i say thanks to Mr.Woods for his book! When i am czar your family will be spared! Hahahaha! (is joke)". 

"I wish this book i had when i was living in Russia. My wife, she is worst cook in all of Petropavlovsk! Day after day it is borsk for breakfast, borsk for lunch, borsk for dinner! is always same thing! i say to her "Svetlana, man can not live on borsk alone!" is too much to ask for occasional bear meat pie or goat and beet stew? I work all day long in barrel factory, and come home so hungry i could eat a thousand kilos of boar meat! when we are first married she is greatest bear hunter in all of Petropavlovsk, she kill so many bear, in village they call her Lobanov-Rostovsky which loosely translates to "the killer of many bearcubs who feels no sadness for their mothers". My brother Mikhail, he is very wise, he says woman is most beautiful when she is dragging bear corpse into home. Long ago she is very attractive woman, built like American actress Rosie O'Donnel, years later she is all bones and skin from too much borsk. It is unpleasant to have relations. Perhaps if she have "Betty Crocker pictures of food book" she would cook me a "creamy tuna casserole", then maybe i not leave her in russia with children and come to America, and she would not be killed by bear! Hahaha! Alas, is not possible to go backwards in time to deliver cookbook. Thank you Dr.Crocker, your food it is delicious, but you are too late to save my wife from bear". 

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